Layoff

Bear with me, I'm re-evaluating my situation.

The Week in Review: 9/28-10/3

Mark your calenders folks this has been one hell of a week. Buffet bailed out GE, Palin and Biden squared off and the House flaked out on the American public.

Warren Buffet bets on GE.

The Oracle of Omaha pumps $3bn into GE. 10% guaranteed return, option to purchase additional shares at $22.50: proof once again that the man is a genius. Take it from me, I know genius.

Vice Presidential Debate proves what we've always known.

Thursday night's debate failed to produce the sparks we all wanted to see. Palin sounded as good as she looked and Biden didn't muff things up per usual. All in all it was quite boring. Dancing with the Stars boring.

Bailout gets hung up in the uterus that is the U.S House of Representatives.

Thankfully the Senate manned up and passed the bailout package, thus ensuring Wall Street and the gears of our economy continue to effortlessly spin our great country into the 21st century. Naysayers may balk at the $110 billion in additions, but they know nothing of child archery and importing rum. Leave the money management to the grown ups people.

Ross' Rules: Communication

While it is rare that I communicate directly with those who serve me, there are those circumstances in which communication through proxy will not suffice. In such extreme instances direct communique is vital. However, while many make the mistake of engaging in open vis a vis dialog with their charges I find communicating via electronic mail (or e-mail) the most pain-free and direct.

I love e-mail. I love it for its ruthless efficiency. More so, I love it for its ambiguity, because while Shakspeare and Rand were capable of injecting pathos into their writing, those of us in the business world know that emotion has no place in communication. And there is no better way to put the fear of God into one's staff than through the dissemination of an emotionless and pointed e-mail who's tone is open for interpretation. After all, a little paranoia goes a long, long way.

Reader Questions

Mr. Ross...

I am anxiously awaiting the vice presidential debate. Are you?


K.L


No.

G. Glen Ross

Things that I can afford that the middle class cannot: classic auto racing

While the middle class clings to the manufactured drama of NASCAR and manifests their dreams of glory on the rural dirt tracks that dot the landscapes of this great country I and my well heeled friends participate in a racing series held on private tracks that replicate only the most famous of courses. From the letter below you'll see we have grand times and Grand Prixs.

Mr. Ross

I very much appreciate your participation in my 6th annual Classic Champions Grand Prix. I'm sorry that turn 11 was so detrimental to your 1958 Ferrari Testa Rossa. Should your mechanics require any assistance, my staff would be honored to provide their wisdom. After all, two of my mechanics worked on the team with which your car won the 24 hours of Le Mans in 1958. It is truly a wonderful car with a rich history.

When I was designing my personal Grand Prix race course with Alain Prost and Michael Schumacher, Michael and I decided the first 15 turns on my personal Grand Prix road course should be modeled after the first 15 turns on the Nurburgring. Of course, just like the Nurburgring and turn 11 always catches those that come in like my mistress: a little too hot. Had you been able to hold on until the Circuit de la Sarthe section (obviously influenced by Mr. Prost) everyone would have certainly seen you and your Ferrari perform with the grace and style of Barishnikov.

I'm looking forward to seeing you at the 7th annual Classic Champions Grand Prix! Once again the entry requirements for the marquee event of the weekend will require an automobile of Italian, German, British, or French heritage from between 1950 and 1965 and, as always, the automobile must have been driven to a first place finish in a Grand Prix event during that time span. Now, should you wish to leave the Ferrari at home and try your hand at something different, I am currently designing a Rally Car course with World Rally Car champions Sebastien Loeb and Tommi Maakinen. It should prove to be a great time of dirty fun, just like YOUR mistress!

Your friend,

F. Bertignolli

Reader Questions

A Miss Jacobsen asks:

I would truly like to know about the music you enjoy. Please be specific; artists as well as favorite songs. Your answers will determine any future correspondence.

Thank you for your question, Ms. Jacobsen, one's choice in music reflects much of their character - though I must say I do not appreciate the "or else" overtones which punctuate your inquiry.

Asking me who my favorite artists are is like asking me to choose my favorite sailboat or luxury automobile - impossible. For you see every moment has its soundtrack.

Would I chose Jimmy Buffet while reading the latest Financial Times? No, but put me on the deck of my 1952 43' Abeking and Rasmussen Yawl and you'll find yourself one happy Son of a Sailor. Though nothing gets me ready for a little corporate warfare like Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet. I find the strings to be inspiring. No doubt you would agree.

Other artists worthy of my affection include The Chairman of the Board and his rousing Luck be a Lady (among many, many others), Phil Collin's, In the Air Tonight and anything that comes from the mouths of Bruce Springsteen or Billy Joel.

Sincerely,
G. Glen Ross

Things I can afford that the middle class cannot: rare books

Among the benefits of being me (and there are many) perhaps one of the nicest is my ability to purchase and enjoy rare books. Not that I expect the middle class to understand the enjoyment of thumbing through a first edition Dickens. And far be it from me to suggest that those simple fools could comprehend the subtleties of Tolstoy or the sardonic wit of Swift. After all, such intelligence and grace are surely lost on those who consider Patterson compelling literature.

Of course being a man of importance, rarely can I secret away the time to get lost in Middle Earth. And while the Walmartians of suburbia plug in their Walkmans to listen to the latest scourge to spill from the pedestrian mind of Grisham, I am able to enjoy my favorite tomes as read by my favorite actors. I wonder, have you ever heard the Iliad as interpreted by James Earl Jones? Or Huckleberry Finn dramatically read by Al Pacino? Of course you have not, because I, and I alone, commissioned them to read those masterpieces for my personal enjoyment. In fact, every book I own is accompanied by a dramatic reading by some of our time's most regarded thespians.

And that my friends - to quote my gardener - don't come cheap.

The Week in Review: 9/7-9/12

Brilliant capitalist auctions off virginity to pay for college

22 year-old Natalie Dylan is auctioning off her virginity to pay for her Master's program. Though judging by her looks I'd put the chances of her being a virgin about as high as the chances of me eating at Applebee's. Just my opinion, but any woman this bright deserves to get top dollar for her offer. Well, any woman this attractive does.

Large Hadron Collider goes live. World doesn't end.

Wednesday September 10th was a day for the Chicken Little's of the world to wet their collective pants as the infamous Large Hadron Collider was turned on. For those of you wondering, yes we are still here. Black holes have not consumed our precious planet. Though I'd take one for the team if that meant no more evangelicals and environmental wackos. Relax, it's just science people.

More empty rhetoric from the nation's presumptive first-celebrity.

While Obama espouses the virtues of equal pay for equal work, his campaign still recognizes that in fact there is a reality. Records show that he believes fair only goes so far. On average his male staffers make $54,397 while his female staffers only make $45,152. Though when you think about it, you really shouldn't fault the guy for paying those with the more important jobs higher salaries.

Things I can afford that the middle class cannot: wine collections

Many of you reading this will be surprised when I tell you that there are those we firmly believe that good wine comes in a box. Hilarious, I know. I'll give you a moment to wipe up the '74 Charles Krug Vintage Select Cabernet Sauvignon that you just spit all over your ascot. Good thing it only costs $88 a bottle.

For some the very idea of wine as an investment is laughable. Of course, such an opinion is to be expected from those who also find the idea of spending $15 on a bottle of white zinfandel to be an exercise in lavish spending. To them I say stick to your Boone's Farm (little more than flavored vinegar in my opinion).

Though it is no shock that the pallets of the middle class - dulled by years of Big Macs and Diet Cokes - cannot appreciate the subtle delicacies of such fine beverages. Lacking both the hedonic perception and vocabulary to identify and put into words the myriad of tastes trickling down their oversized gullets should come as no great shock. Such people view life in black and white, good and bad. They will never appreciate the spicy blackberry and robust personality of a fine syrah or the warm buttery embrace of a delicately balanced chardonnay.

After all, for these people their opinions are as confused as the wines they drink.

My primary wine collection (I have one at each residence) consists of over 20,000 bottles and is valued at over four million dollars. My cellar is 10,000 square feet and is done in the style of a subterranean Italian grotto - complete with a gourmet kitchen for the occasions when I decided to entertain in the tasting room. I have in my employ a personal sommelier by the name of Reg. The only Frenchman I have ever tolerated or respected, he works in concert with my chef to ensure that every meal is accompanied by the perfect wine. Not once has he erred in his job. As well he shouldn't at a salary of $150,000 per year - but a small price to pay for the joy his knowledge brings me.

The middle class you can keep their baseball cards and comic books; their Precious Moments dolls and Thomas Kincaid posters. For those objects worthy of collection are reserved for us, the men of privilege and power.

The Week in Review and Things I can afford that the middle class cannot.

Too often we who live above the masses tend to discount the responsibilities we have in keeping them informed and enlightened. My fellow readers, for the last few months I have forsaken this responsibility and for that I am apologetic. A reader recently commented that he found my recent posts to be uninspired and inconsistent. He is right.

So what do you say we get back on track with a double dose of that which you love so much?


The Week in Review

Sarah Who?

Last week my favorite maverick rocked the political world by nominating the little known Governor of Alaska , Sarah Palin as his running mate. Decried by many as proof that he is out of touch, she proved to be the spark that this campaign desperately needed. Turns you can be a cutthroat pit bull and well-liked. But only if you are attractive. Sorry Hillary.

Dow Takes a Constitutional


Why sugar coat what happened to the market this week? I literally lost a boat load of money - a beautiful 1940 Cris Craft Custom Runabout wad of cash.


Putin Blames the U.S for Georgian Conflict

To paraphrase the former Russian president and former head of the KGB or FSB or whatever gestapo secret police they've got over there, the US deliberately provoked Georgia into attacking South Ossetia to create a competitive advantage for one of the candidates running for president of that country.

If you don't understand that argument either I don't blame you. Clearly blending fantasy and reality is a feat hard to achieve.


Things I can afford that the middle class cannot.

They say one cannot collect an original Rembrandt painting these days. In fact, they say one cannot even collect a Rembrandt drawing unless they are a multi-millionaire. Obviously they don't know G. Glen Ross.

I do own a Rembrandt painting - a nude. Mrs. Ross wanted one so I bought it for her. It was the eighth most expensive financial transaction I've ever partaken in. She hung it in her dressing room and then she rewarded me by raising my McCane. It was all quite nice.

See, the thing is we wealthy appreciate great art for what it gives back to the world. Some may say it is obscene to spend so much on little dabs of paint. They might suggest picking up a reproduction or a poster. But what they don't know, what few outside of the art world know is that the true meaning of the artist's intentions can only be found in the original piece of work.

I know, I know, to the middle class to speak of art in such a way sounds so unexpectedly womanly, but should we really expect open minded, cultured thinking from a group of people who's favorite piece of literature is the weekly Auto Trader? I mean, the only beauty these people are capable of seeing is a framed Walmart reproduction of Unicorns prancing through La-La Land with naked little nymphs frolicking in pixie powder. And even that they can barely afford.

Ross' Rules: Don't be the team. Lead the team.

Too often we feel the need to work with others. And far too often we mistakenly think such group collaboration will lead to group success. Well if you believe that crap I've got a mail room and a helmet with your name on it.

Insight: collaboration is how the weak and lazy get ahead.

I don't care what you learned in kindergarten or summer camp: cooperative and collaborative environments area the domains of the subservient and submissive. They are the pasture of a million corporate sheep. Unless your goal is to be an anonymous cog in the wheels of progress you must eschew the group and distinguish yourself through outstanding individual effort. Only then will you grow into the type of man your father would be proud of.

In fact, there is only one time when it is even remotely acceptable to be a member of a work team - when you are its leader. In that case you are a devilishly intelligent, hyper-efficient corporate warrior savvy to the ways of success. For your keen business brain knows that - while it may be the group who does the work - it is the leader who gets the credit.

Remember that my corporate warriors.

Reader Questions

What are your feelings on corporate gifts, what sort of gifts does your company deem appropriate for celebration of corporate longevity?

Ah yes, the ever wonderful corporate gift. What are my feelings on them?

First, by now you should know that I don't have feelings. I have opinions, thoughts, insights, instincts and beliefs, but certainly don't suffer from feelings. So, my friend, the question should be: what do I think of them?

In brief, they're wastes of money. To reward people for longevity makes it appear that we should be grateful for that which we should not be. The fact is these people should be buying us gifts for employing them that long. Do they not realize that their leaving allows me to bring in some entry-level cog at a quarter of the cost? Do they not realize that their bloated salaries are a drain on the company's bottom line? To reward such people with gold watches and monogrammed ball point pens is nonsense.

That being said, I find stock options to be the only suitable gift. Of course, when you reach my level of executive management other perks are justified, if not expected. Lifetime health insurance, significant cash bonuses, use of corporate transportation to name a few.

G. Glen Ross

Reader Observations: I'm not real

Recently, some drunken idiot posted a comment proclaiming that I am not real. To that individual I say, rubbish. I am in fact very real, very rich, very handsome, very powerful and very intelligent.

And though I feel no obligation to prove to you my existence, I will do so. Why? Because shedding some light on my life will hopefully make that individual feel that much worse about their own.

Now if you'll excuse me...

I have more homes in my real estate portfolio than the number of double wides in the shoddy little trailer park in which you surely reside.

Not only do I own a fleet of vintage sail boats, I also posses a large collection of Mont Blanc pens. Do they use pens down at the auto parts store where you work? Or do they make you use pencils so you can erase all your mistakes?

My wife loves me because I am rich and powerful. Yours probably loves you because you make her feel good about herself. Though that doesn't change the fact that my wife is the definition of beauty and yours is fat.

Like you, I enjoy red meat. If I didn't know better, I'd say you're a vegetarian. After all, how else can one explain the pissy attitude and transparent envy? Now I know Walmart doesn't stock Kobe Beef, but the next time your scratch lotto tickets pay out I recommend you visit your local fine dining establishment (Outback doesn't count) and order yourself a nice steak.

If I'm not real, who is? I apologize for spewing such heady existential thought. I should have made sure you were wearing a helmet first. I'll simplify, I'm real because I say I am.

Enjoy your day, from what I hear Busch Light is always on sale.

Ross' Rules: Don't get caught

While enjoying a "Half and Half" after a spirited game of tennis last week, a friend of mine and I found ourselves discussing John Edwards and the stupidity of man. That one man single-handily brought marital infidelity back to the forefront of public consciousness is disgusting and unacceptable. In one act he took what was once a common and socially acceptable arrangement between man and his mistress and turned it into a white elephant. In short, he put at risk the very right that we men of wealth are entitled to.

In spirit of his colossal screw up, I am going to post the (until now) previously unwritten rules of extramarital physical and social engagement.

1. Your mistress is your near-equal. Never, ever engage in relations with a woman whose social status falls more than two positions below yours. A woman with nothing to lose and everything to gain is dangerous.

2. Put the relationship on hiatus when the wife is ill. Anything else just makes you look bad. Should your wife pass, end the relationship immediately lest your mistress think she has a chance of becoming your wife.

3. Be discreet, but not secretive. Your wife is not as stupid as you give her credit for. The two of you need to come to an agreement regarding your extracurricular activities. Allow her shopping trips and occasional pool boy dalliances. You may find this openness refreshing.

4. If caught, don't deny, lie. Unless she has proof, you haven't done anything. If she does, remind her you have done nothing wrong. If she still presses the issue remind her of the prenuptial agreement.

Recommended Viewing

For those of you who still dont't get it.

http://www.archive.org/details/OfficeEt1950

Reader Question: Party Etiquette

Mr. Ross...

A good friend of mine is having that lowest common denominator of parties: the BBQ. I've been invited and asked to bring of all things, a 7 layer bean dip. I care greatly for the man, but given my elevated status in the community, I feel that I might run the risk of being perceived as common or even middle-class. Am I being paranoid, is he trying to make me look bad?

What is your advice on the matter?

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)


Dear Paranoid-

While at first glance it might appear that your "friend" is setting you up to look like an ass, my sense is that, in fact, you are being a tad too sensitive. I get the impression that you would not recognize irony if it slapped you in the face. Often, we wealthy enjoy throwing theme parties and while most of the time the thematics skew towards the cultural or prescient, occasionally we will inject a little good natured and light hearted humor into our soirees.

Your friend's party is nothing more that one man embracing this concept to the extreme. More than likely taking this most simple and middle classed of traditions and turning it on its head. In fact, don't be surprised if his "common" menu consists of a few well-disguised delicacies. As for your 7-layer bean dip, run down to your local gourmet deli and ask them to mix you up something special- perhaps something that will go with organic pita chips.

Here's a tip, to really enjoy the party I suggest you and your wife create middle class alter egos and attend in character. Have your assistant run to JC Penny and pick up a couple of outfits (obviously he or she will know what to look for better than you) and reinvent yourselves as a common, suburban couple. To really go over the top, rent a mini-van. Make sure all conversations are centered around such simple topics as your kids' soccer league, the frustrations of public schools, gas prices, your struggle to bay the bills, the success of your bowling team, and of course, the saviour of the middle class: Barack Obama.

G. Glen Ross

Ross' Rules: talent's got nothing to do with it

Recently an employee of mine asked me why she was passed over for promotion. She pointed out that she was the most accomplished and talented candidate while the individual who received the promotion was primarily known for his good looks and entertaining stories.

So why didn't she receive the promotion?

Because not even her vast amount of talent and sheer number of accomplishments could overcome her predilection for being the most dour, unlikable and yes, hideously plain looking woman this company has hired since the passing of affirmative action legislation.

Yes, she maybe highly intelligent. Her mind for spin is amongst the most adept I've ever witnessed (save for my own) and her business sense clearly makes up for an obvious lack of smell. However, no one can stand being around the woman. She has neither the personality, fashion sense, ego or sycophantic tendencies needed to go beyond her current station. Simply put, she has no identifiable promotable qualities.

Life is not fair my friends. Talent and hard work may breed success, but if your looks and personality can't marry into the family, your ass and career are going nowhere.

Things I can afford that the middle class cannot

As Mrs. Ross likes to joke, "my wallet makes my butt look big." That's why I seldom carry it. Sure, I like the feel of the supple calf skin (get them before they can stand to ensure the leather doesn't get stretched), but I very well can't have people thinking I don't stay in shape. Nor do I care for unsightly creases in my custom tailored slacks.

So what do I do?

I could eliminate the wallet and simply carry large sums of cash or my American Express card.

But I don't.

Make no mistake, I could do both. But therein lies the problem- a man of true wealth and power shouldn't have to concern himself with everyday business transactions. There is nothing more annoying that having to wait as some out-of-work actor struggles through the basic math needed to make change on a $8.00 cup of coffee paid for with a hundred dollar bill. Nor do I car for the incessant "oohing" and "ahhing" that erupts the moment I pull out my Amex card. Granted it's not everyday one sees a Black American Express card, but come on, at least act like it.

No my friends, the truly wealthy cannot be bothered with such trivialities. That's why we have expense accounts, for there is no better way to streamline a transaction that by putting it on one's expense account- no limit, of course. So while the rest of the world saves receipts and fondles dollar bills that were surely once damp wadded up balls in a beggar's pocket, we rich simply flick our Mont Blancs and with the flash of a signature the transaction is complete. No receipts, no bacteria, no dealing with people any longer than necessary.

Just a simple pen and the bank account to back it up.

Ross' Rules: you can't take it with you

We Rosses have been known to spend a few dollars here and there. Summer villas on Lake Como, silk toilet paper, Tiffany cuff links...is it our fault for liking the finer things in life? Should we be consumed by overwhelming guilt by such freewheeling spending habits? Seeing as we are neither catholic or poor, guilt is a concept as foreign as the population of a 7-11 parking lot. For you see, what is the point of having more money than you can spend if you can't spend it?

Being a Yale man I hardly put much stock in anything that comes from the bloated egos over at Harvard. However, they have hit upon an interesting idea: that virtue is a vice. According to their research, consumers who base their purchase decisions on short-term regret tend to make more practical purchases whereas consumers who focus on long-term regret make more extravagant purchases.

From the Harvard Business Review:

People who unduly resist self-indulgence suffer from an excessive farsightedness, or hyperopia—the reverse of typical self-control problems. Rather than yielding to temptation, they focus on acquiring necessities and acting responsibly and they see indulgence as wasteful, irresponsible, and even immoral. As a result, these consumers avoid precisely the products and experiences that they most enjoy.

Now I know that many out there have no choice in the matter, but to willingly deprive one's self of that which brings them joy borders on masochistic and unreasonable. Especially so when one has the means to spend at will.

So the next time you are trying to justify your next extravagance remember that short-term regret is temporary and that guilt and luxury sleep in separate bedrooms.

Happy Birthday America

As I prepare for the upcoming holiday and the luxurious indulgences I am about to partake in, I am forced to reflect on the brave young men and women who ensure that this great country celebrates many more birthdays. I applaud you all for your commitment, dedication and sacrifice.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You too, Col. Broadmoor.