Reader Question: Party Etiquette

Mr. Ross...

A good friend of mine is having that lowest common denominator of parties: the BBQ. I've been invited and asked to bring of all things, a 7 layer bean dip. I care greatly for the man, but given my elevated status in the community, I feel that I might run the risk of being perceived as common or even middle-class. Am I being paranoid, is he trying to make me look bad?

What is your advice on the matter?

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)


Dear Paranoid-

While at first glance it might appear that your "friend" is setting you up to look like an ass, my sense is that, in fact, you are being a tad too sensitive. I get the impression that you would not recognize irony if it slapped you in the face. Often, we wealthy enjoy throwing theme parties and while most of the time the thematics skew towards the cultural or prescient, occasionally we will inject a little good natured and light hearted humor into our soirees.

Your friend's party is nothing more that one man embracing this concept to the extreme. More than likely taking this most simple and middle classed of traditions and turning it on its head. In fact, don't be surprised if his "common" menu consists of a few well-disguised delicacies. As for your 7-layer bean dip, run down to your local gourmet deli and ask them to mix you up something special- perhaps something that will go with organic pita chips.

Here's a tip, to really enjoy the party I suggest you and your wife create middle class alter egos and attend in character. Have your assistant run to JC Penny and pick up a couple of outfits (obviously he or she will know what to look for better than you) and reinvent yourselves as a common, suburban couple. To really go over the top, rent a mini-van. Make sure all conversations are centered around such simple topics as your kids' soccer league, the frustrations of public schools, gas prices, your struggle to bay the bills, the success of your bowling team, and of course, the saviour of the middle class: Barack Obama.

G. Glen Ross

Things I can afford that the middle class cannot: vacations

Ahh yes, summertime. The most wonderful time of year wouldn't you agree? I for one love it, for it is summer that offers the respite from the concrete and skyscrapers that dominate my milieu. Three months of long weekends in the Hampton's. Weeks sailing the Greek Isles. There are no budgets, no time constraints, no interruptions. Just relaxation, family time and pampering.

If you are envious I understand. Believe me, if I were middle class I would hate me. Not because I am wealthy and can satisfy my whims, however outrageous or expensive they may be. No, I would hate me because I would be forced to confront my own pathetic existence- a life spent wanting, not having.

Wealth and power affords one the ability to vacation when and where they want. While the middle class loads up the minivan and embarks on their great American road trips, Mrs. Ross, myself, the nanny and sometimes the baby will jet off to Barbados. Just because. While the middle class waits in line at Disney World, the Ross family is enjoying a special VIP tour of the Magic Kingdom - no standing in lines with sweaty English tourists.

Take any one of my vacations, even the most rote, and they would be the dream vacation of any suburban family languishing through a time share tour just to get a few free tickets to Universal Studios. Take any one of my vacations and you will see just how powerful wealth can be.

Things I can afford that the middle class cannot

As fuel and food prices continue to rise, there has been much made of the economic strain placed on the middle class. Apparently many are having to trim the fat, so to speak, from their budgets in order to afford these essential line items. Tragic, I know.

Obviously the Ross family doesn't have to worry about such trivial matters. Not only can I afford to fill up our fleet of luxury and performance automobiles with premium fuel, my exorbitant wealth allows me to fly my jet and pilot my boats with complete and total abandon. Have you ever filled up a Citation? Do you know how much diesel is required to run a 100' yacht? It cost me $37,000 just to take a cruise down the Intercostal. The amount I spend on fossil fuels each month is more that most middle-class Americans make in a year, or to put it in better perspective, more than 239 Kenyans will make in their lifetimes. $4.00 a gallon gas? Pocket change.

I can't imagine what it must be like to have to decide between filling up my 1998 Chrysler Caravan and buying the family name brand macaroni and cheese. Don't worry, yours truly isn't developing a new found sense of empathy, I can't imagine it because I've never been that poor. In all honesty I've never had to choose between anything, let alone commodities.

When you're in my tax bracket you can afford the finer things in life, groceries included. Mind you, I never go grocery shopping, but our chef only shops at the most exclusive gourmet boutiques. 93% of the country can't afford what we eat and most of the time we don't even finish. I'd say on any given night our housekeeper disposes of $50 to $100 worth of unfinished lobster tails, Kobe beef, truffles and other exorbitantly pricey imported foodstuffs.

The network talking heads can talk all they want about recession. I'm sure some of you would agree with their Chicken Little antics. However, you won't hear G. Glen subscribe to such nonsense. The fact of the matter is that the reason the middle class are in such dire straits is because the middle class cannot be trusted with money and are consumed by envy. Who wouldn't want to be me? What rational man wouldn't want to live like we wealthy do? I understand why they would feel that way. However, in their Quixotic quest to live like the other half they have maxed out their Sears cards and stretched themselves thinner than the hand spun silk negligee Mrs. Ross is so fond of.

The middle class has no one to blame but themselves, and if they could afford Quicken, I'd recommend they purchase it. That being said, perhaps riding their Wal*Mart bicycles to work and cutting back on the pot roasts will help these overweight gluttons lose a few dozen pounds. After all, you never see rich people competing on the Biggest Loser.

Things I can afford that the middle class cannot: The ROM

One of the great passions in my life is looking good. For executives, what is on the outside often matters more than what is on the inside. Though my physician tells me I possess some pretty fit innards.

As you may know I am a very busy man. Do you think I have the time to spend an hour at the gym? Of course I don’t. That’s why I purchased the ROM.


At over $14,000 this wonderful machine costs more than most pre-owned Ford Taurus’s. So, while I can get my workout in only four minutes and get on with more important things, the middle class is forced to huff and puff for hours at a time on their Sears’s treadmills and Chuck Norris wonder machines.

Or do they?

Let’s be honest people. Most middle class people possess neither the discipline nor pride to stick to a workout program. They buy their Sally Struthers’ Thigh Masters and Bowflexes and ingest magic fat pills in hopes that the pounds will melt away. But the reality is that after a week they forget their silly resolutions. They realize that looking good for a spouse who doesn’t care is a waste of energy. They wake up to the reality that being able to walk up a flight of stairs without passing out is not an issue when the building they work in has an elevator. No, these undisciplined excuses for people stuff these colossal wastes of money (surely bought on credit) under the bed or in the closet with the rest of their hopes and dreams. Their treadmill becomes a place to hang their short-sleeved work shirts and wrinkle-free khakis.

But what about those who do have the discipline to diligently work out? I’m not impressed. In fact, that they spend so much time working out illustrates their misplaced priorities. No wonder they’re mired in middle management.

To be an executive means sacrificing your health for position. At least it did before the ROM. $14,000 is a small price to pay for health and power. Just look at what it did for me.

Things I Can Afford That The Middle Class Cannot

I love Wednesdays for the simple fact that I am able to share with you the luxuries that make my life worth living. And while the vast majority of my possessions fall well outside the bounds of middle class affordability, this week's luxury is our Belgian nanny: Anais. Now, I am sure you are thinking, "hey, aren't nannies supposed to be Swedish?" Perhaps, if you are only Palm Springs wealthy. But for the ultra-wealthy, this season the Belgian nanny is the must-have childcare provider.

Mrs. Ross and I take great pride in our beautiful, purebred Belgian nanny. Attractive, intelligent, patient, loyal and subservient, Anais is the parent Mrs. Ross and I have no time to be. Patton simply adores her and she and Mrs. Ross have developed quite the friendship. They spend much of their time together tanning, working out, shopping, and giving each other massages- she says Anais does a very good job. Mrs. Ross even made me add another bedroom to the guesthouse where Anais and Patton sleep so she can stay there if she's too tired to walk back to the main residence.

Mrs. Ross and I laugh when we think about what life would be like if we actually had to raise our son ourselves. To think about changing him, feeding him, putting him to bed and taking him places? Well, let's just say we are blessed that I am able to afford Anais. For the next five years (or until she gains 10 pounds) Anais will be all that little Patton knows.

Some of you may scoff at the idea of a proxy raising our child, but those of you that judge do not have to deal with the social and business calendars that we ultra-wealthy are subjected to. No, when I think about what life would be like if we had to send our child to daycare I shudder. In my opinion, it is disgusting that a child is brought into this world only to be subjected to such care. Does the middle class know the developmental implications of placing a child in daycare? Do they know that children raised in non-nannied environments have higher rates of developmental disabilities and behavioral problems?

Now I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that having a Belgian nanny didn't have a few "auxiliary" benefits. Even if your middle-class daycare provider were willing to do some of the things Anais does, would you really want her to? Perhaps, if you are into overweight, middle-aged women who smell like baby formula and bad perm.

Reason #2 to become rich and powerful: purebred Belgian nannies.