Things I Can Afford That The Middle Class Cannot

I love Wednesdays for the simple fact that I am able to share with you the luxuries that make my life worth living. And while the vast majority of my possessions fall well outside the bounds of middle class affordability, this week's luxury is our Belgian nanny: Anais. Now, I am sure you are thinking, "hey, aren't nannies supposed to be Swedish?" Perhaps, if you are only Palm Springs wealthy. But for the ultra-wealthy, this season the Belgian nanny is the must-have childcare provider.

Mrs. Ross and I take great pride in our beautiful, purebred Belgian nanny. Attractive, intelligent, patient, loyal and subservient, Anais is the parent Mrs. Ross and I have no time to be. Patton simply adores her and she and Mrs. Ross have developed quite the friendship. They spend much of their time together tanning, working out, shopping, and giving each other massages- she says Anais does a very good job. Mrs. Ross even made me add another bedroom to the guesthouse where Anais and Patton sleep so she can stay there if she's too tired to walk back to the main residence.

Mrs. Ross and I laugh when we think about what life would be like if we actually had to raise our son ourselves. To think about changing him, feeding him, putting him to bed and taking him places? Well, let's just say we are blessed that I am able to afford Anais. For the next five years (or until she gains 10 pounds) Anais will be all that little Patton knows.

Some of you may scoff at the idea of a proxy raising our child, but those of you that judge do not have to deal with the social and business calendars that we ultra-wealthy are subjected to. No, when I think about what life would be like if we had to send our child to daycare I shudder. In my opinion, it is disgusting that a child is brought into this world only to be subjected to such care. Does the middle class know the developmental implications of placing a child in daycare? Do they know that children raised in non-nannied environments have higher rates of developmental disabilities and behavioral problems?

Now I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that having a Belgian nanny didn't have a few "auxiliary" benefits. Even if your middle-class daycare provider were willing to do some of the things Anais does, would you really want her to? Perhaps, if you are into overweight, middle-aged women who smell like baby formula and bad perm.

Reason #2 to become rich and powerful: purebred Belgian nannies.

Things I Can Afford That the Middle Class Cannot

Rhetorical question: Is there anything more sad and disgusting than the middle class?

If a psychic would have told me back in Korea that after the war I was destined to live the rest of my life as a captive prisoner of the middle class, I would have told her to run a rusty bayonet through my ribs and let me die a slow painful death. Becuase as horrible as that would have been, it would have been pleasurable compared to a life spent consumed by want.

Thankfully, I returned to a life of privledge and success. Because I know that you're on the fast track to success, each week I want to take this time to share with you the commodities (or as you call them, luxuries) that I enjoy, but the the middle class cannot.

This week's commodity: Mrs. Ross.

Like wearing a fine Ulysse Nardin watch, a man with a beautiful woman on his arm commands respect and projects success. At nearly half my age, Mrs. Ross is woman who men can't help but stare at and who women can't help but be jealous of. And while I cannot show you a picture, if you've ever paged through a JC Penny's catalog chances are you've seen her. Women like this are not attracted to common men. They do not drive mini-vans or eat at all-you-can-eat salad bars. Women like Mrs. Ross demand the finer things that only immense wealth can provide. She has given me one wonderful child who is now almost two years-old, and while middle-class husbands lament their wive's sagging breasts and distorted stomachs, I'm able to feast my eyes upon a woman who has not just been restored to her previous beauty, but who's beauty has been improved upon. Is your wife's Ob/Gyn a board certified plastic surgeon?

Looking upon my gorgeous wife validates the decisions I've made. And while I know that even though this Mrs. Ross is not the first, she is certainly worth every dollar I've spent on her.