Reader Questions

What are your feelings on corporate gifts, what sort of gifts does your company deem appropriate for celebration of corporate longevity?

Ah yes, the ever wonderful corporate gift. What are my feelings on them?

First, by now you should know that I don't have feelings. I have opinions, thoughts, insights, instincts and beliefs, but certainly don't suffer from feelings. So, my friend, the question should be: what do I think of them?

In brief, they're wastes of money. To reward people for longevity makes it appear that we should be grateful for that which we should not be. The fact is these people should be buying us gifts for employing them that long. Do they not realize that their leaving allows me to bring in some entry-level cog at a quarter of the cost? Do they not realize that their bloated salaries are a drain on the company's bottom line? To reward such people with gold watches and monogrammed ball point pens is nonsense.

That being said, I find stock options to be the only suitable gift. Of course, when you reach my level of executive management other perks are justified, if not expected. Lifetime health insurance, significant cash bonuses, use of corporate transportation to name a few.

G. Glen Ross

Reader Observations: I'm not real

Recently, some drunken idiot posted a comment proclaiming that I am not real. To that individual I say, rubbish. I am in fact very real, very rich, very handsome, very powerful and very intelligent.

And though I feel no obligation to prove to you my existence, I will do so. Why? Because shedding some light on my life will hopefully make that individual feel that much worse about their own.

Now if you'll excuse me...

I have more homes in my real estate portfolio than the number of double wides in the shoddy little trailer park in which you surely reside.

Not only do I own a fleet of vintage sail boats, I also posses a large collection of Mont Blanc pens. Do they use pens down at the auto parts store where you work? Or do they make you use pencils so you can erase all your mistakes?

My wife loves me because I am rich and powerful. Yours probably loves you because you make her feel good about herself. Though that doesn't change the fact that my wife is the definition of beauty and yours is fat.

Like you, I enjoy red meat. If I didn't know better, I'd say you're a vegetarian. After all, how else can one explain the pissy attitude and transparent envy? Now I know Walmart doesn't stock Kobe Beef, but the next time your scratch lotto tickets pay out I recommend you visit your local fine dining establishment (Outback doesn't count) and order yourself a nice steak.

If I'm not real, who is? I apologize for spewing such heady existential thought. I should have made sure you were wearing a helmet first. I'll simplify, I'm real because I say I am.

Enjoy your day, from what I hear Busch Light is always on sale.

Ross' Rules: Don't get caught

While enjoying a "Half and Half" after a spirited game of tennis last week, a friend of mine and I found ourselves discussing John Edwards and the stupidity of man. That one man single-handily brought marital infidelity back to the forefront of public consciousness is disgusting and unacceptable. In one act he took what was once a common and socially acceptable arrangement between man and his mistress and turned it into a white elephant. In short, he put at risk the very right that we men of wealth are entitled to.

In spirit of his colossal screw up, I am going to post the (until now) previously unwritten rules of extramarital physical and social engagement.

1. Your mistress is your near-equal. Never, ever engage in relations with a woman whose social status falls more than two positions below yours. A woman with nothing to lose and everything to gain is dangerous.

2. Put the relationship on hiatus when the wife is ill. Anything else just makes you look bad. Should your wife pass, end the relationship immediately lest your mistress think she has a chance of becoming your wife.

3. Be discreet, but not secretive. Your wife is not as stupid as you give her credit for. The two of you need to come to an agreement regarding your extracurricular activities. Allow her shopping trips and occasional pool boy dalliances. You may find this openness refreshing.

4. If caught, don't deny, lie. Unless she has proof, you haven't done anything. If she does, remind her you have done nothing wrong. If she still presses the issue remind her of the prenuptial agreement.