The Week in Review

Congress jealous of CEO's pay

Like the bunch of liberal brats that they are, Congress is calling on a few high-profile Wall Street CEOs to testify before a congressional committee about the supposed link between executive pay and the mortgage crisis. Leave it to Congressman Dudley Do Right Waxman, D-Calif to get all pissy just because he's only making $169,300.

Hillary upset with media bias

Evidently Mrs. Clinton is not happy with the media's blatant Obama love fest. At least now she knows how we conservatives feel.

New York Philharmonic plays Pyongyang

Why we felt the need to serenade that sadistic little pinko, Kim Jong-Il with music much to beautiful for his evil little ears is a mystery to me. I'd think something along the lines of Puff the Magic Dragon would have been more appropriate.

Financial crisis angering Europeans

There is a growing wave of European anti-Americanism that is being fueled by the U.S credit crisis. I'd write more, but I could care less about what Europeans think.

Are You Proud of Your Job?

In this week's poll I asked if you are proud of your job and the overwhelming majority of you said you were not.

Now, I hope those of you who said you weren't proud of your jobs weren't expecting a namby-pamby pick- me-up, because it isn't going to happen. So you aren't proud of what you do. Big deal. If careers were about feeling good we'd live in a country with 150 million broke teachers, nurses and social workers. You want to be proud? Go be a firefighter or a cop. You want that warm tingly feeling that comes with making a difference? That's fine, I just hope you like clipping coupons and wearing underwear from Goodwill.

Am I proud of my job? I learned the triviality of that question long ago. Being proud of what you do for a living doesn't mean diddlysquat. You think I take pride knowing that I allegedly helped precipitate three major corporate scandals? Hell no. But I tell you what, making a shitload of money has a way of healing wounds.

At the same time, that some of you are proud of your jobs doesn't impress me one bit. Sure, you probably go home happy and sleep well at night knowing that you made a difference in someone's life. But you know what? You'll and I will never eat at the same restaurants. You will never drive a car that costs more than the average house and you will never know what it feels like to wield the power of a thousand hammers. And while you will die with a clear conscience and perhaps even be remembered for the good you did, your death will force your wife to take out a loan to cover the cost of your funeral. Your legacy will be credit card debt, car loans and mortgages. Rent-a-center will repossess your living room and your kids will curse your memory because you made them go to school in second-hand clothes. And for what? So you could be proud of your job?

Pride in one's job is the folly of the naive. You want wealth and power? Then you need to excise what remains of your idealism. Pride is for possessions, not careers.

Things I Can Afford That The Middle Class Cannot

I love Wednesdays for the simple fact that I am able to share with you the luxuries that make my life worth living. And while the vast majority of my possessions fall well outside the bounds of middle class affordability, this week's luxury is our Belgian nanny: Anais. Now, I am sure you are thinking, "hey, aren't nannies supposed to be Swedish?" Perhaps, if you are only Palm Springs wealthy. But for the ultra-wealthy, this season the Belgian nanny is the must-have childcare provider.

Mrs. Ross and I take great pride in our beautiful, purebred Belgian nanny. Attractive, intelligent, patient, loyal and subservient, Anais is the parent Mrs. Ross and I have no time to be. Patton simply adores her and she and Mrs. Ross have developed quite the friendship. They spend much of their time together tanning, working out, shopping, and giving each other massages- she says Anais does a very good job. Mrs. Ross even made me add another bedroom to the guesthouse where Anais and Patton sleep so she can stay there if she's too tired to walk back to the main residence.

Mrs. Ross and I laugh when we think about what life would be like if we actually had to raise our son ourselves. To think about changing him, feeding him, putting him to bed and taking him places? Well, let's just say we are blessed that I am able to afford Anais. For the next five years (or until she gains 10 pounds) Anais will be all that little Patton knows.

Some of you may scoff at the idea of a proxy raising our child, but those of you that judge do not have to deal with the social and business calendars that we ultra-wealthy are subjected to. No, when I think about what life would be like if we had to send our child to daycare I shudder. In my opinion, it is disgusting that a child is brought into this world only to be subjected to such care. Does the middle class know the developmental implications of placing a child in daycare? Do they know that children raised in non-nannied environments have higher rates of developmental disabilities and behavioral problems?

Now I'd be a liar if I didn't admit that having a Belgian nanny didn't have a few "auxiliary" benefits. Even if your middle-class daycare provider were willing to do some of the things Anais does, would you really want her to? Perhaps, if you are into overweight, middle-aged women who smell like baby formula and bad perm.

Reason #2 to become rich and powerful: purebred Belgian nannies.

White Lies: Stretching the Truth in Resumes

Have you ever exaggerated the truth on your resume? No? I’m sorry, I guess I mistook you for someone who would do anything to get ahead. I must have you confused with someone who wants to fly first class and buy expensive pens.

Let me clue you in on a not-so-little secret: the truth doesn’t set you free; it holds you back. Without a little exaggeration and deception you’ll find yourself stuck living the life of a cube dwelling cog in the corporate machine. I hope you like wearing Haggar wrinkle-free chinos and short-sleeved dress shirts from JC Penny, because that’s what honesty gets you.

But Mr. Ross, what happens if HR discovers my lies? If you’re doing a great job and working for the right boss that shouldn’t matter. Personally, I think it shows initiative. If I wanted to hire a Dudley Do-Right Boy Scout, I’d hire my grandson.

Humility has no place in a resume. Remember that.

Ross' Rules: Deception is Perception

Perhaps the biggest obstacle one faces in the pursuit of power is reconciling the person from the professional. I don't care who you and what you do at home, the minute you step into the office you must "be" the person you want them to see. Your goal should be to meld the professional and the person into one powerful entity. There should be no delineation.

So, what can you do? Here are a few common deceptions that can be portrayed with relative ease.

Man Up
Obviously this is easy if you are a straight male. However, women and lollipops will have to work hard to develop the backbone and assertiveness that is required in the good old boys club. Women will find this balance difficult as no one wants to work with an overcompensating bitch. Effeminate men, lose the lisp and firm up those wrists. Also, when you're with your male co-workers be sure to make suggestive remarks about the women who work in your office. It doesn't matter if you are not attracted to women, unless you work in Hollywood, if you want to get ahead you'll need to act like you'd bang them with impunity.

Whiten Up
Again, easy to do if you are fortunate enough to be Caucasian. If you are a minority, pay attention to white persons of power, Oprah, Greg Gumbel and Barack Obama. Note their subtle, refined mannerisms.

Harness the Power of the Buzzword
No one will know you're the stupidest, liberal arts floozy ever to walk the earth if you possess a commanding grasp of corporate lexicon. When at work, speak like a CEO. You'll instantly sound intelligent.

Channel Your Inner Conservative
There is no better way to subvert your career than by espousing liberal feel-good nonsense. We people of power don't care about the pornographic art house movies you watch or the time you waste reading fiction. When you are at the office be sure to talk about things that matter, like the War on Terror or the erosion of values that is being propagated by the left. When in doubt, simply mention an article you read in the National Review. Also, if you don't already have an American Flag lapel pin, buy one immediately.

Like the People who Matter; Despise the People who Don't
I don't care who your best friend is, if your boss doesn't like them, you don't like them. You should know better than to make the mistake of cultivating friendships at work.

There you have it, a few common deceptions you can use to get ahead. Just remember that by projecting confidence and power and you will receive respect. After all, normal people do not rise to greatness.

Are You Proud of Your Job?

Every other day it seems like someone wants to know if I'm proud of what I do for a living. Next week I'll tell you. But first, you tell me by answering this week's poll at the bottom of the page.

Opinion: The Week in Review

How many Frenchmen does it take to...?

Apparently it took 28 people over 16 days to discover the biggest scandal in Societe Generale's history. And this despite 75 warnings regarding his behavior. Kind of makes me wish I worked in France.

How would a communist spend his rebate check?

He wouldn't. At least he wouldn't if he listened to the pinko columnists over at the New York Times. They think the government should fund universal investment accounts. I was so offended by the idea that I didn't even bother reading the column.

What's in a name?

To the folks at Commerce Bank in New York City, not much. According to Reuters, Benjamin Lovell pleaded innocent to charges of grand larceny after withdrawing more than $2 million from a Commerce Bank account that did not belong to him. It belonged to someone with the same name. Whoops.

I thought humans had backbones?

Google co-founder Sergey Brin called Microsoft's bid on rival Yahoo, "an unnerving maneuver that threatens innovation on the Internet... And when you start to have companies that control the operating system, control the browsers, they really tie up the top Web sites, and can be used to manipulate stuff in various ways. I think that's unnerving."

Boo-friggen-hoo, Sergey. Don't you know there's nothing more American than a good old-fashioned monopoly?

Outsourcing doesn't feel so good, does it China?

The Chinese are feeling the effects of higher manufacturing costs, higher taxes, and stricter enforcement of environmental standards as manufacturers look to Vietnam, Indonesia and India for their low-cost goods. If that don't just make you smile...

Earning Those Options

I'm sure many of you were disappointed by the conspicuous absence of yesterday's column and trust me when I say that I'd love to give you the name of the lollipop responsible for causing said absence. But seeing as I'm the Senior President of Ethics and Best Practices, well, that just can't happen.

As you are well aware, the mortgage industry has been scrutinized quite heavily of late. I personally don't quite understand why we are being tossed under the proverbial bus. Is it our fault that a few idiots out there got in over their heads? Are we so rotten that we deserve to be called predators? Absolutely not. If anything, we should be hailed as financial visionaries. After all, the ARM loan is an instrument of genius.

But I digress.

Wrapping around to the subject at hand, yesterday yours truly earned all 500,000 of his 2008 stock options. I'm not sure if any of you have dealt with whistleblowers, but if you've never had the opportunity, pray that you don't. They are, to be nice, the most God-awful scum imaginable.

I know somewhere in their warped little state-school minds they think that they are making the world a better place. The reality is, such diarrhetic idealism only serves to undermine progress and the aforementioned lollipop was hell bent on pissing controversy all over our good name. And for what? So he could get his name in a few papers for bringing to light the genius of our accounting? It confuses me how such people make it this far in life.

However, me being me, I laid out in great detail how it would not be in this man's best interests to go public with his information. After all, wouldn't he rather receive a nice payoff?

"This is more important than money," he said.
"Is it more important than the police finding child pornography on your computer," I asked.
"How much money are we talking about?"

Problem solved. Idealism, like everything else, can be bought.

Some may scoff at the very notion that someone like myself could hold a position such as I do. But their petulance is misplaced. My job is not to cater to the ethics of a few high-minded, holier-than-thou dandies. Rather, it is my responsibility to see that theirs conform to the company's. And while that may not make sense to some, those of us familiar with reality know that idealism serves no useful purpose in society.

Things I Can Afford That the Middle Class Cannot

Rhetorical question: Is there anything more sad and disgusting than the middle class?

If a psychic would have told me back in Korea that after the war I was destined to live the rest of my life as a captive prisoner of the middle class, I would have told her to run a rusty bayonet through my ribs and let me die a slow painful death. Becuase as horrible as that would have been, it would have been pleasurable compared to a life spent consumed by want.

Thankfully, I returned to a life of privledge and success. Because I know that you're on the fast track to success, each week I want to take this time to share with you the commodities (or as you call them, luxuries) that I enjoy, but the the middle class cannot.

This week's commodity: Mrs. Ross.

Like wearing a fine Ulysse Nardin watch, a man with a beautiful woman on his arm commands respect and projects success. At nearly half my age, Mrs. Ross is woman who men can't help but stare at and who women can't help but be jealous of. And while I cannot show you a picture, if you've ever paged through a JC Penny's catalog chances are you've seen her. Women like this are not attracted to common men. They do not drive mini-vans or eat at all-you-can-eat salad bars. Women like Mrs. Ross demand the finer things that only immense wealth can provide. She has given me one wonderful child who is now almost two years-old, and while middle-class husbands lament their wive's sagging breasts and distorted stomachs, I'm able to feast my eyes upon a woman who has not just been restored to her previous beauty, but who's beauty has been improved upon. Is your wife's Ob/Gyn a board certified plastic surgeon?

Looking upon my gorgeous wife validates the decisions I've made. And while I know that even though this Mrs. Ross is not the first, she is certainly worth every dollar I've spent on her.

On the Importance of Listening to Ross

As you recall, Mrs. Ross and I were in West Palm over the weekend. As always, it was a wonderfully luxurious time. One night as we were dining with friends, one of their grandkids asked me why anyone should listen to me. Had it been anyone else, I would have dismissed this insufferable girl's question with no more than a wave of a hand and guffaw. But, because she was the grandchild of my closest friend I answered her question.

"The masses will listen to me because I will tell them to," I said.

"But what makes you think you're so influential," she asked.

Her grandfather, deeply embarrassed by the intoxicated woman's antics moved to silence her, but I told him I took no offense and would answer her question.

"Young woman, they will listen to me because I am intelligent, successful and wealthy beyond measure." I looked at her grandfather and we both smiled gaily. "They will listen to me because they desire to have what I have."

She rolled her eyes and muttered something about the virus of wealth and the importance of living a life serving the greater good. I told her not to fear, that she would shed the naïveté of youth over time and perhaps make something of herself.

But you're not naive, are you? You'll listen to me and this is why:

1) I am smarter than you. Have you attended Yale, Harvard and Princeton? I think not, otherwise you would not be in your current position.

2) I am wealthier than you. Do you own your own jet? Do you have a fleet of vintage sailboats? Can you afford to send your wife to the best plastic surgeons money can buy? Of course not. But, you want to.

3) I am more successful than you. Obviously.

4) I wrote the book on corporate warfare. I am the living embodiment of the "Art of War" and can show you the way. Pathos is thy enemy, logos our savior.

5) I have the power that you can barely imagine in your wildest daydreams.

In life, we rarely have the opportunity to learn from those so far beyond our stations. This is your opportunity to suck at the teat of 45 years of hard work and experience. Listen up.

Analysis: Week One Poll

As much as I love her, Mrs. Ross has tastes that any man would find difficult to satiate. But she's my wife and I love her and if that means I need to fuel up the Citation and jet down to West Palm so she can go to Charley's Crab then so be it. If I have to move mountains, I will. Mrs. Ross gets what Mrs. Ross wants. Of course, when money is no object it's easy to bring one's dreams to reality.

However, as you do not possess the unlimited financial resources I do, you'll find your dreams harder to realize-, which, if you're middle class (and I'm sure you are) you've probably gotten used to. But, since you're reading this article and visiting this site you have obviously decided that you want more than mediocrity. You're just lacking a road map to take you there.

In last week's poll I asked if you would compromise your morals to get ahead. Not surprisingly the majority of you said "no" while only a couple said "yes." Now, the tenor of this blog may lead you to believe that I would disagree with those who said they would not compromise their morals to get ahead. I do not. How can that be, you ask? Because I distinguish my morals from my ethics. Example: morals tell us that divorce is wrong. Ethics tell us that it would be improper to flaunt our indiscretions in our loved one's faces. See the difference?

So if staying true to one's morals is the hallmark of any leader worth his salt, how is it possible to get ahead? The answer, again, lies in ethics. It also happens to be Ross' Rule #1: One cannot compromise their ethics if they have no ethics.

If it sounds simple, that's because it is.

After Korea, when I was an enthusiastic young financial analyst, I learned the effectiveness of this rule first hand. My boss was a nice guy- very intelligent, very dapper, very nurturing and very trusting. He helped me adjust to my new life and showed me the ways of Corporate America. Under his guidance I learned as much as I have ever learned from any of my bosses before or after. In fact, I learned so much that I quickly was ready for promotion. But there was a problem- my boss had the job I would be promoted to.

What to do?

As mentioned, my boss was a very nice guy. I, on the other hand, wasn't. Sure, I acted the part, but deep down I was a cutthroat bastard. Always was, always will be. So, one day I happened to be see my boss’s boss at the country club and I let slip that my boss made a pass at me. The next day, he got fired and I took his job. He never suspected a thing and I never lost an ounce of sleep. You do what you got to do. Do I feel remorse at what I did? Hell no. Do I feel bad for the guy? Well, it turned out he actually was a gay. Last I heard he was very high up at some clothing company. If it wasn't for what I did would he have been as successful? I doubt it.

Remember Ross' Rule #1 as you move forward with your career. Who knows; maybe I'll see you at Charley's.

Ross On Power

Years ago, an acquaintance of mine asked me to be a guest lecturer for a class he taught at The Wharton School of Business. Now, I normally try not to help any university other than Harvard, let alone one outside of the Ivy League (personal prejudices preclude Penn's inclusion), but seeing as this was an acquaintance I acquiesced. Of course I must admit my motives transcended friendship, as it so happened that the dean of the school held a seat on the board of my employer.

What the lecture was about is lost to time, I don't recall, nor is it important. However, there is one detail that I shall never forget and that was the question posed to me by one of the students: How does it feel to have so much power?

I looked at the eager sycophant, obviously an intelligent young man, and said, "Take the finest Cuban cigar you've ever had the pleasure of smoking, the smoothest single malt to ever grace your lips and the finest woman you've ever enjoyed. You could multiply that pleasure by one hundred and still not come close to replicating the feeling."

I gave that lecture over twenty years ago, yet I'll never for get the look in that lad's face as my wisdom took hold. I kept tabs on him as he ventured forth with his career, and after he achieved the success and power he sought, I called him and asked him the very question he asked of me so long ago. His reply? "Power illuminates the soul, Mr. Ross."

Sadly, shortly thereafter the energy company he worked for collapsed and he was arrested for fraud. But, at least he got to taste that which eludes so many.

Will it elude you?

Whatever It Takes

As we head into yet another election and are bombarded with the naive hopes and ideals that the left so ignorantly clings to, I can't help but think of that most famous of phrases spoken by our 35th President, John Fitzgerald Kennedy. Now it's not often I disagree with a fellow Harvard man, but I can think of no more silly of a proclamation than, "ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." Such nonsense might win elections and inspire hope among a nation, but will it take you swiftly up the corporate ladder? Only if you work in a non-profit.

But, Mr. Ross, I don't want to be poor, you say. You want the corner office, chauferred Cadillac, beach home and blonde bombshell on the side? Well I got news for you: Corporate America is a beautiful place, but it ain't no kindergarten. You think the corner office will just open her supple, sweet doors for you? Not a chance, sonny. To make it, you got to want it and hard work alone won't take you there. You're going to have to get dirty. You're going to have to do whatever it takes. And I'm going to show you how.