While the middle class clings to the manufactured drama of NASCAR and manifests their dreams of glory on the rural dirt tracks that dot the landscapes of this great country I and my well heeled friends participate in a racing series held on private tracks that replicate only the most famous of courses. From the letter below you'll see we have grand times and Grand Prixs.
Mr. Ross
I very much appreciate your participation in my 6th annual Classic Champions Grand Prix. I'm sorry that turn 11 was so detrimental to your 1958 Ferrari Testa Rossa. Should your mechanics require any assistance, my staff would be honored to provide their wisdom. After all, two of my mechanics worked on the team with which your car won the 24 hours of Le Mans in 1958. It is truly a wonderful car with a rich history.
When I was designing my personal Grand Prix race course with Alain Prost and Michael Schumacher, Michael and I decided the first 15 turns on my personal Grand Prix road course should be modeled after the first 15 turns on the Nurburgring. Of course, just like the Nurburgring and turn 11 always catches those that come in like my mistress: a little too hot. Had you been able to hold on until the Circuit de la Sarthe section (obviously influenced by Mr. Prost) everyone would have certainly seen you and your Ferrari perform with the grace and style of Barishnikov.
I'm looking forward to seeing you at the 7th annual Classic Champions Grand Prix! Once again the entry requirements for the marquee event of the weekend will require an automobile of Italian, German, British, or French heritage from between 1950 and 1965 and, as always, the automobile must have been driven to a first place finish in a Grand Prix event during that time span. Now, should you wish to leave the Ferrari at home and try your hand at something different, I am currently designing a Rally Car course with World Rally Car champions Sebastien Loeb and Tommi Maakinen. It should prove to be a great time of dirty fun, just like YOUR mistress!
Your friend,
F. Bertignolli
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Reader Questions
A Miss Jacobsen asks:
I would truly like to know about the music you enjoy. Please be specific; artists as well as favorite songs. Your answers will determine any future correspondence.
Thank you for your question, Ms. Jacobsen, one's choice in music reflects much of their character - though I must say I do not appreciate the "or else" overtones which punctuate your inquiry.
Asking me who my favorite artists are is like asking me to choose my favorite sailboat or luxury automobile - impossible. For you see every moment has its soundtrack.
Would I chose Jimmy Buffet while reading the latest Financial Times? No, but put me on the deck of my 1952 43' Abeking and Rasmussen Yawl and you'll find yourself one happy Son of a Sailor. Though nothing gets me ready for a little corporate warfare like Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet. I find the strings to be inspiring. No doubt you would agree.
Other artists worthy of my affection include The Chairman of the Board and his rousing Luck be a Lady (among many, many others), Phil Collin's, In the Air Tonight and anything that comes from the mouths of Bruce Springsteen or Billy Joel.
Sincerely,
G. Glen Ross
I would truly like to know about the music you enjoy. Please be specific; artists as well as favorite songs. Your answers will determine any future correspondence.
Thank you for your question, Ms. Jacobsen, one's choice in music reflects much of their character - though I must say I do not appreciate the "or else" overtones which punctuate your inquiry.
Asking me who my favorite artists are is like asking me to choose my favorite sailboat or luxury automobile - impossible. For you see every moment has its soundtrack.
Would I chose Jimmy Buffet while reading the latest Financial Times? No, but put me on the deck of my 1952 43' Abeking and Rasmussen Yawl and you'll find yourself one happy Son of a Sailor. Though nothing gets me ready for a little corporate warfare like Prokofiev's Romeo and Juliet. I find the strings to be inspiring. No doubt you would agree.
Other artists worthy of my affection include The Chairman of the Board and his rousing Luck be a Lady (among many, many others), Phil Collin's, In the Air Tonight and anything that comes from the mouths of Bruce Springsteen or Billy Joel.
Sincerely,
G. Glen Ross
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Things I can afford that the middle class cannot: rare books
Among the benefits of being me (and there are many) perhaps one of the nicest is my ability to purchase and enjoy rare books. Not that I expect the middle class to understand the enjoyment of thumbing through a first edition Dickens. And far be it from me to suggest that those simple fools could comprehend the subtleties of Tolstoy or the sardonic wit of Swift. After all, such intelligence and grace are surely lost on those who consider Patterson compelling literature.
Of course being a man of importance, rarely can I secret away the time to get lost in Middle Earth. And while the Walmartians of suburbia plug in their Walkmans to listen to the latest scourge to spill from the pedestrian mind of Grisham, I am able to enjoy my favorite tomes as read by my favorite actors. I wonder, have you ever heard the Iliad as interpreted by James Earl Jones? Or Huckleberry Finn dramatically read by Al Pacino? Of course you have not, because I, and I alone, commissioned them to read those masterpieces for my personal enjoyment. In fact, every book I own is accompanied by a dramatic reading by some of our time's most regarded thespians.
And that my friends - to quote my gardener - don't come cheap.
Of course being a man of importance, rarely can I secret away the time to get lost in Middle Earth. And while the Walmartians of suburbia plug in their Walkmans to listen to the latest scourge to spill from the pedestrian mind of Grisham, I am able to enjoy my favorite tomes as read by my favorite actors. I wonder, have you ever heard the Iliad as interpreted by James Earl Jones? Or Huckleberry Finn dramatically read by Al Pacino? Of course you have not, because I, and I alone, commissioned them to read those masterpieces for my personal enjoyment. In fact, every book I own is accompanied by a dramatic reading by some of our time's most regarded thespians.
And that my friends - to quote my gardener - don't come cheap.
Friday, September 12, 2008
The Week in Review: 9/7-9/12
Brilliant capitalist auctions off virginity to pay for college
22 year-old Natalie Dylan is auctioning off her virginity to pay for her Master's program. Though judging by her looks I'd put the chances of her being a virgin about as high as the chances of me eating at Applebee's. Just my opinion, but any woman this bright deserves to get top dollar for her offer. Well, any woman this attractive does.
Large Hadron Collider goes live. World doesn't end.
Wednesday September 10th was a day for the Chicken Little's of the world to wet their collective pants as the infamous Large Hadron Collider was turned on. For those of you wondering, yes we are still here. Black holes have not consumed our precious planet. Though I'd take one for the team if that meant no more evangelicals and environmental wackos. Relax, it's just science people.
More empty rhetoric from the nation's presumptive first-celebrity.
While Obama espouses the virtues of equal pay for equal work, his campaign still recognizes that in fact there is a reality. Records show that he believes fair only goes so far. On average his male staffers make $54,397 while his female staffers only make $45,152. Though when you think about it, you really shouldn't fault the guy for paying those with the more important jobs higher salaries.
22 year-old Natalie Dylan is auctioning off her virginity to pay for her Master's program. Though judging by her looks I'd put the chances of her being a virgin about as high as the chances of me eating at Applebee's. Just my opinion, but any woman this bright deserves to get top dollar for her offer. Well, any woman this attractive does.
Large Hadron Collider goes live. World doesn't end.
Wednesday September 10th was a day for the Chicken Little's of the world to wet their collective pants as the infamous Large Hadron Collider was turned on. For those of you wondering, yes we are still here. Black holes have not consumed our precious planet. Though I'd take one for the team if that meant no more evangelicals and environmental wackos. Relax, it's just science people.
More empty rhetoric from the nation's presumptive first-celebrity.
While Obama espouses the virtues of equal pay for equal work, his campaign still recognizes that in fact there is a reality. Records show that he believes fair only goes so far. On average his male staffers make $54,397 while his female staffers only make $45,152. Though when you think about it, you really shouldn't fault the guy for paying those with the more important jobs higher salaries.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Things I can afford that the middle class cannot: wine collections
Many of you reading this will be surprised when I tell you that there are those we firmly believe that good wine comes in a box. Hilarious, I know. I'll give you a moment to wipe up the '74 Charles Krug Vintage Select Cabernet Sauvignon that you just spit all over your ascot. Good thing it only costs $88 a bottle.
For some the very idea of wine as an investment is laughable. Of course, such an opinion is to be expected from those who also find the idea of spending $15 on a bottle of white zinfandel to be an exercise in lavish spending. To them I say stick to your Boone's Farm (little more than flavored vinegar in my opinion).
Though it is no shock that the pallets of the middle class - dulled by years of Big Macs and Diet Cokes - cannot appreciate the subtle delicacies of such fine beverages. Lacking both the hedonic perception and vocabulary to identify and put into words the myriad of tastes trickling down their oversized gullets should come as no great shock. Such people view life in black and white, good and bad. They will never appreciate the spicy blackberry and robust personality of a fine syrah or the warm buttery embrace of a delicately balanced chardonnay.
After all, for these people their opinions are as confused as the wines they drink.
My primary wine collection (I have one at each residence) consists of over 20,000 bottles and is valued at over four million dollars. My cellar is 10,000 square feet and is done in the style of a subterranean Italian grotto - complete with a gourmet kitchen for the occasions when I decided to entertain in the tasting room. I have in my employ a personal sommelier by the name of Reg. The only Frenchman I have ever tolerated or respected, he works in concert with my chef to ensure that every meal is accompanied by the perfect wine. Not once has he erred in his job. As well he shouldn't at a salary of $150,000 per year - but a small price to pay for the joy his knowledge brings me.
The middle class you can keep their baseball cards and comic books; their Precious Moments dolls and Thomas Kincaid posters. For those objects worthy of collection are reserved for us, the men of privilege and power.
For some the very idea of wine as an investment is laughable. Of course, such an opinion is to be expected from those who also find the idea of spending $15 on a bottle of white zinfandel to be an exercise in lavish spending. To them I say stick to your Boone's Farm (little more than flavored vinegar in my opinion).
Though it is no shock that the pallets of the middle class - dulled by years of Big Macs and Diet Cokes - cannot appreciate the subtle delicacies of such fine beverages. Lacking both the hedonic perception and vocabulary to identify and put into words the myriad of tastes trickling down their oversized gullets should come as no great shock. Such people view life in black and white, good and bad. They will never appreciate the spicy blackberry and robust personality of a fine syrah or the warm buttery embrace of a delicately balanced chardonnay.
After all, for these people their opinions are as confused as the wines they drink.
My primary wine collection (I have one at each residence) consists of over 20,000 bottles and is valued at over four million dollars. My cellar is 10,000 square feet and is done in the style of a subterranean Italian grotto - complete with a gourmet kitchen for the occasions when I decided to entertain in the tasting room. I have in my employ a personal sommelier by the name of Reg. The only Frenchman I have ever tolerated or respected, he works in concert with my chef to ensure that every meal is accompanied by the perfect wine. Not once has he erred in his job. As well he shouldn't at a salary of $150,000 per year - but a small price to pay for the joy his knowledge brings me.
The middle class you can keep their baseball cards and comic books; their Precious Moments dolls and Thomas Kincaid posters. For those objects worthy of collection are reserved for us, the men of privilege and power.
Friday, September 5, 2008
The Week in Review and Things I can afford that the middle class cannot.
Too often we who live above the masses tend to discount the responsibilities we have in keeping them informed and enlightened. My fellow readers, for the last few months I have forsaken this responsibility and for that I am apologetic. A reader recently commented that he found my recent posts to be uninspired and inconsistent. He is right.
So what do you say we get back on track with a double dose of that which you love so much?
The Week in Review
Sarah Who?
Last week my favorite maverick rocked the political world by nominating the little known Governor of Alaska , Sarah Palin as his running mate. Decried by many as proof that he is out of touch, she proved to be the spark that this campaign desperately needed. Turns you can be a cutthroat pit bull and well-liked. But only if you are attractive. Sorry Hillary.
Dow Takes a Constitutional
Why sugar coat what happened to the market this week? I literally lost a boat load of money - a beautiful 1940 Cris Craft Custom Runabout wad of cash.
Putin Blames the U.S for Georgian Conflict
To paraphrase the former Russian president and former head of the KGB or FSB or whatever gestapo secret police they've got over there, the US deliberately provoked Georgia into attacking South Ossetia to create a competitive advantage for one of the candidates running for president of that country.
If you don't understand that argument either I don't blame you. Clearly blending fantasy and reality is a feat hard to achieve.
Things I can afford that the middle class cannot.
They say one cannot collect an original Rembrandt painting these days. In fact, they say one cannot even collect a Rembrandt drawing unless they are a multi-millionaire. Obviously they don't know G. Glen Ross.
I do own a Rembrandt painting - a nude. Mrs. Ross wanted one so I bought it for her. It was the eighth most expensive financial transaction I've ever partaken in. She hung it in her dressing room and then she rewarded me by raising my McCane. It was all quite nice.
See, the thing is we wealthy appreciate great art for what it gives back to the world. Some may say it is obscene to spend so much on little dabs of paint. They might suggest picking up a reproduction or a poster. But what they don't know, what few outside of the art world know is that the true meaning of the artist's intentions can only be found in the original piece of work.
I know, I know, to the middle class to speak of art in such a way sounds so unexpectedly womanly, but should we really expect open minded, cultured thinking from a group of people who's favorite piece of literature is the weekly Auto Trader? I mean, the only beauty these people are capable of seeing is a framed Walmart reproduction of Unicorns prancing through La-La Land with naked little nymphs frolicking in pixie powder. And even that they can barely afford.
So what do you say we get back on track with a double dose of that which you love so much?
The Week in Review
Sarah Who?
Last week my favorite maverick rocked the political world by nominating the little known Governor of Alaska , Sarah Palin as his running mate. Decried by many as proof that he is out of touch, she proved to be the spark that this campaign desperately needed. Turns you can be a cutthroat pit bull and well-liked. But only if you are attractive. Sorry Hillary.
Dow Takes a Constitutional
Why sugar coat what happened to the market this week? I literally lost a boat load of money - a beautiful 1940 Cris Craft Custom Runabout wad of cash.
Putin Blames the U.S for Georgian Conflict
To paraphrase the former Russian president and former head of the KGB or FSB or whatever gestapo secret police they've got over there, the US deliberately provoked Georgia into attacking South Ossetia to create a competitive advantage for one of the candidates running for president of that country.
If you don't understand that argument either I don't blame you. Clearly blending fantasy and reality is a feat hard to achieve.
Things I can afford that the middle class cannot.
They say one cannot collect an original Rembrandt painting these days. In fact, they say one cannot even collect a Rembrandt drawing unless they are a multi-millionaire. Obviously they don't know G. Glen Ross.
I do own a Rembrandt painting - a nude. Mrs. Ross wanted one so I bought it for her. It was the eighth most expensive financial transaction I've ever partaken in. She hung it in her dressing room and then she rewarded me by raising my McCane. It was all quite nice.
See, the thing is we wealthy appreciate great art for what it gives back to the world. Some may say it is obscene to spend so much on little dabs of paint. They might suggest picking up a reproduction or a poster. But what they don't know, what few outside of the art world know is that the true meaning of the artist's intentions can only be found in the original piece of work.
I know, I know, to the middle class to speak of art in such a way sounds so unexpectedly womanly, but should we really expect open minded, cultured thinking from a group of people who's favorite piece of literature is the weekly Auto Trader? I mean, the only beauty these people are capable of seeing is a framed Walmart reproduction of Unicorns prancing through La-La Land with naked little nymphs frolicking in pixie powder. And even that they can barely afford.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Ross' Rules: Don't be the team. Lead the team.
Too often we feel the need to work with others. And far too often we mistakenly think such group collaboration will lead to group success. Well if you believe that crap I've got a mail room and a helmet with your name on it.
Insight: collaboration is how the weak and lazy get ahead.
I don't care what you learned in kindergarten or summer camp: cooperative and collaborative environments area the domains of the subservient and submissive. They are the pasture of a million corporate sheep. Unless your goal is to be an anonymous cog in the wheels of progress you must eschew the group and distinguish yourself through outstanding individual effort. Only then will you grow into the type of man your father would be proud of.
In fact, there is only one time when it is even remotely acceptable to be a member of a work team - when you are its leader. In that case you are a devilishly intelligent, hyper-efficient corporate warrior savvy to the ways of success. For your keen business brain knows that - while it may be the group who does the work - it is the leader who gets the credit.
Remember that my corporate warriors.
Insight: collaboration is how the weak and lazy get ahead.
I don't care what you learned in kindergarten or summer camp: cooperative and collaborative environments area the domains of the subservient and submissive. They are the pasture of a million corporate sheep. Unless your goal is to be an anonymous cog in the wheels of progress you must eschew the group and distinguish yourself through outstanding individual effort. Only then will you grow into the type of man your father would be proud of.
In fact, there is only one time when it is even remotely acceptable to be a member of a work team - when you are its leader. In that case you are a devilishly intelligent, hyper-efficient corporate warrior savvy to the ways of success. For your keen business brain knows that - while it may be the group who does the work - it is the leader who gets the credit.
Remember that my corporate warriors.
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