Things I can afford that the middle class cannot: wine collections

Many of you reading this will be surprised when I tell you that there are those we firmly believe that good wine comes in a box. Hilarious, I know. I'll give you a moment to wipe up the '74 Charles Krug Vintage Select Cabernet Sauvignon that you just spit all over your ascot. Good thing it only costs $88 a bottle.

For some the very idea of wine as an investment is laughable. Of course, such an opinion is to be expected from those who also find the idea of spending $15 on a bottle of white zinfandel to be an exercise in lavish spending. To them I say stick to your Boone's Farm (little more than flavored vinegar in my opinion).

Though it is no shock that the pallets of the middle class - dulled by years of Big Macs and Diet Cokes - cannot appreciate the subtle delicacies of such fine beverages. Lacking both the hedonic perception and vocabulary to identify and put into words the myriad of tastes trickling down their oversized gullets should come as no great shock. Such people view life in black and white, good and bad. They will never appreciate the spicy blackberry and robust personality of a fine syrah or the warm buttery embrace of a delicately balanced chardonnay.

After all, for these people their opinions are as confused as the wines they drink.

My primary wine collection (I have one at each residence) consists of over 20,000 bottles and is valued at over four million dollars. My cellar is 10,000 square feet and is done in the style of a subterranean Italian grotto - complete with a gourmet kitchen for the occasions when I decided to entertain in the tasting room. I have in my employ a personal sommelier by the name of Reg. The only Frenchman I have ever tolerated or respected, he works in concert with my chef to ensure that every meal is accompanied by the perfect wine. Not once has he erred in his job. As well he shouldn't at a salary of $150,000 per year - but a small price to pay for the joy his knowledge brings me.

The middle class you can keep their baseball cards and comic books; their Precious Moments dolls and Thomas Kincaid posters. For those objects worthy of collection are reserved for us, the men of privilege and power.