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Reader Question: Party Etiquette

Mr. Ross...

A good friend of mine is having that lowest common denominator of parties: the BBQ. I've been invited and asked to bring of all things, a 7 layer bean dip. I care greatly for the man, but given my elevated status in the community, I feel that I might run the risk of being perceived as common or even middle-class. Am I being paranoid, is he trying to make me look bad?

What is your advice on the matter?

Sincerely,

(Name redacted)


Dear Paranoid-

While at first glance it might appear that your "friend" is setting you up to look like an ass, my sense is that, in fact, you are being a tad too sensitive. I get the impression that you would not recognize irony if it slapped you in the face. Often, we wealthy enjoy throwing theme parties and while most of the time the thematics skew towards the cultural or prescient, occasionally we will inject a little good natured and light hearted humor into our soirees.

Your friend's party is nothing more that one man embracing this concept to the extreme. More than likely taking this most simple and middle classed of traditions and turning it on its head. In fact, don't be surprised if his "common" menu consists of a few well-disguised delicacies. As for your 7-layer bean dip, run down to your local gourmet deli and ask them to mix you up something special- perhaps something that will go with organic pita chips.

Here's a tip, to really enjoy the party I suggest you and your wife create middle class alter egos and attend in character. Have your assistant run to JC Penny and pick up a couple of outfits (obviously he or she will know what to look for better than you) and reinvent yourselves as a common, suburban couple. To really go over the top, rent a mini-van. Make sure all conversations are centered around such simple topics as your kids' soccer league, the frustrations of public schools, gas prices, your struggle to bay the bills, the success of your bowling team, and of course, the saviour of the middle class: Barack Obama.

G. Glen Ross

Ross' Rules: talent's got nothing to do with it

Recently an employee of mine asked me why she was passed over for promotion. She pointed out that she was the most accomplished and talented candidate while the individual who received the promotion was primarily known for his good looks and entertaining stories.

So why didn't she receive the promotion?

Because not even her vast amount of talent and sheer number of accomplishments could overcome her predilection for being the most dour, unlikable and yes, hideously plain looking woman this company has hired since the passing of affirmative action legislation.

Yes, she maybe highly intelligent. Her mind for spin is amongst the most adept I've ever witnessed (save for my own) and her business sense clearly makes up for an obvious lack of smell. However, no one can stand being around the woman. She has neither the personality, fashion sense, ego or sycophantic tendencies needed to go beyond her current station. Simply put, she has no identifiable promotable qualities.

Life is not fair my friends. Talent and hard work may breed success, but if your looks and personality can't marry into the family, your ass and career are going nowhere.

Things I can afford that the middle class cannot

As Mrs. Ross likes to joke, "my wallet makes my butt look big." That's why I seldom carry it. Sure, I like the feel of the supple calf skin (get them before they can stand to ensure the leather doesn't get stretched), but I very well can't have people thinking I don't stay in shape. Nor do I care for unsightly creases in my custom tailored slacks.

So what do I do?

I could eliminate the wallet and simply carry large sums of cash or my American Express card.

But I don't.

Make no mistake, I could do both. But therein lies the problem- a man of true wealth and power shouldn't have to concern himself with everyday business transactions. There is nothing more annoying that having to wait as some out-of-work actor struggles through the basic math needed to make change on a $8.00 cup of coffee paid for with a hundred dollar bill. Nor do I car for the incessant "oohing" and "ahhing" that erupts the moment I pull out my Amex card. Granted it's not everyday one sees a Black American Express card, but come on, at least act like it.

No my friends, the truly wealthy cannot be bothered with such trivialities. That's why we have expense accounts, for there is no better way to streamline a transaction that by putting it on one's expense account- no limit, of course. So while the rest of the world saves receipts and fondles dollar bills that were surely once damp wadded up balls in a beggar's pocket, we rich simply flick our Mont Blancs and with the flash of a signature the transaction is complete. No receipts, no bacteria, no dealing with people any longer than necessary.

Just a simple pen and the bank account to back it up.

Ross' Rules: you can't take it with you

We Rosses have been known to spend a few dollars here and there. Summer villas on Lake Como, silk toilet paper, Tiffany cuff links...is it our fault for liking the finer things in life? Should we be consumed by overwhelming guilt by such freewheeling spending habits? Seeing as we are neither catholic or poor, guilt is a concept as foreign as the population of a 7-11 parking lot. For you see, what is the point of having more money than you can spend if you can't spend it?

Being a Yale man I hardly put much stock in anything that comes from the bloated egos over at Harvard. However, they have hit upon an interesting idea: that virtue is a vice. According to their research, consumers who base their purchase decisions on short-term regret tend to make more practical purchases whereas consumers who focus on long-term regret make more extravagant purchases.

From the Harvard Business Review:

People who unduly resist self-indulgence suffer from an excessive farsightedness, or hyperopia—the reverse of typical self-control problems. Rather than yielding to temptation, they focus on acquiring necessities and acting responsibly and they see indulgence as wasteful, irresponsible, and even immoral. As a result, these consumers avoid precisely the products and experiences that they most enjoy.

Now I know that many out there have no choice in the matter, but to willingly deprive one's self of that which brings them joy borders on masochistic and unreasonable. Especially so when one has the means to spend at will.

So the next time you are trying to justify your next extravagance remember that short-term regret is temporary and that guilt and luxury sleep in separate bedrooms.

Happy Birthday America

As I prepare for the upcoming holiday and the luxurious indulgences I am about to partake in, I am forced to reflect on the brave young men and women who ensure that this great country celebrates many more birthdays. I applaud you all for your commitment, dedication and sacrifice.

From the bottom of my heart, thank you. You too, Col. Broadmoor.

Reader question: If I don't need people why do I have a blog?

Normally, I make it a rule to not answer stupid questions, but seeing that this question obviously came from the unformed mind of a child, I'll grace you with an answer. For your sake, I'll keep it simple.

First, this is not a blog. It is a series of columns published electronically.

Second, I don't need people, they need me.

Third, next time you think about asking a question ask yourself if thinking is something you should really be doing.

Fourth, ignore your parents when they tell you you can do anything you want- they're liars.

Fifth, thanks for reading- I hope it didn't take you too long.