Things I can afford that the middle class cannot: Innocence

Perhaps one of the unsung benefits of being immensely wealthy and powerful beyond all measure is the legal access and resources one is afforded. Lawyers, we all know, are like insurance, you pay out the nose for them in hopes you never need them. But when you do...God bless those greedy cut-throat bastards.

Why am I bringing this up now? To what end does parading my crack legal team in front of my readers serve? Innocence, my friends, innocence.

We all know that despite the phrase, "innocent until proven guilty" in our country the opposite holds true and that once indited for an infraction it is up to the defendant to prove their innocence. It's perverted, I know.

Many of you will be shocked to know that I have been a victim of our perverted justice system. What will shock you even more is that I was not a victim of a white-collar witch hunt, not recently anyway. Rather, I was the victim of a flagrant criminal and civil case involving a bicyclist.

For the record, the idiot swerved in front of me. He hit my car (causing significant damage I might add). Yes, I had a few drinks at dinner. Yes, I was driving. But I was under the legal limit and my actions had nothing to do with the accident. Of course, the hippie bicyclist felt otherwise. So, unfortunately, did the Gestapo who police my borough.

Ridiculous, I know.

Thankfully, I had a team of brilliant legal minds defending me (all Yalies, by the way. Always go with Yalies if you can afford them) and in the end got off scott free. The family and biker were outraged by their perceived injustice. I just smiled and patted the top of the young man's head- easy since he was in a wheelchair- and strode out of the courtroom and innocent man.

What's scary is that had I not the means, I surely would be wasting away in jail, or worse yet, paying restitution. Alas, I am not. Not because I didn't deserve it, but because I could afford it.

Week in Review: 5/18-5/24

Well, here we are again. It never ceases to amaze me how time effortlessly slips through our fingers.

California Supreme Court legalizes gay marriage

Some folks are up in arms over this "landmark" decision. But I don't see why it's such a big deal. What man would want to marry a lesbian anyway? Heck, in many ways I think gays are lucky. You know how much money I'd still have if marriage was illegal?

Clinton wants to change the rules

Hillary wins a few states, continues to think her campaign is relevant, says that the delegates from Michigan and Florida should be counted. Of course, back in January when both candidates thought the states didn't matter she agreed with the DNC that the delegates should not be counted. And you know what? I'm starting to respect her dogged, single-minded, win-at-all-costs determination. Very Rossian.

American Idol crowns its victor

Thank God this show has ended. Mrs. Ross complains that I'm a workaholic. Well honey, what self-respecting man would want to come home to the garbage you insist on watching? However, I do find it interesting that more people voted for the two Idol candidates than did during the last Presidential election. Nothing makes me prouder to be a veteran and American.

Things I can afford that the middle class cannot

There is a common misconception that we wealthy are different from everyone else. Better maybe, but not necessarily different. As they say, we put our trousers on one leg at a time, just like average folks. And while we all know I am anything but average, occasionally I like to indulge in the most average of meals.

The hamburger. I like to refer to it as the people's meal. That time tested, most American of recipes. A perfect product composed from the very best our nation's breadbasket has to offer, the hamburger reminds us that the simple things in life can in fact be enjoyable.

Now, despite the fact that yes, I frequently dine on lobster tails and porterhouses there are times when a man needs a burger. And there is no better place to satiate that need than at the Wall Street Burger Shoppe.

From the spelling of the word shoppe, one immediately suspects they are in for a burger experience unlike any other. And the moment the delectable confluence of Kobe beef, black truffles, seared foie gras, aged Gruyere cheese and wild mushrooms, delivered in a warm brioche bun with hints of gold flecks hits your pallet you know that you've just experienced something special. You've experienced that which so few have: Heaven on a bun. Never has $175 tasted so delicious.

Yes, you read that correctly. $175. And it's worth every penny. Obviously, this is a burger designed not for the unrefined pallets of the masses, those Number 2 super-sized combo meal heathens. Such genius, such delicacy is not to be wasted on those who think Outback makes a great steak. No my friends, a $175 hamburger is not for the provincial, rather it is for those who appreciate the finer things in life. It is for we who view the gourmet as everyday and the extravagant as commonplace.

Thankfully it is priced beyond the reach of those who would never appreciate it for what it is: a ground patty for the Gods of the Gods.

Ross' Rules: Whenever I damn well please

For the last few weeks my secretary has been getting pestered by a journalist wishing to chronicle me for an article on ethics and management. Obviously I am a man of importance so I can understand why he wants to write about me. However, it appears he doesn't know that important men have little in the way of disposable time. And as much as I would like to help this young man, and as flattered as I am that he wishes to make me the focus of his story, I have neither the time or need to bend my schedule to accommodate his.

Which brings me to this week's rule: make them come to you.

You are busy. You are important. And your time is your most precious commodity. Your world should revolve around the company and those you manage should revolve around you. Make your underlings rearrange their schedules to accommodate yours. Who cares how if they have to cancel that long-planned vacation to finish a project that will end up getting shelved. If they want to work for you that's exactly what they'll do. You've missed more than a few dance recitals, school programs and soccer games in your life, it's time they do the same. When pesky journalists, PR hacks or ad agency types tell you a deadline is unrealistic, stare them in the face and thank them for their time. Then tell them you're putting the account up for review.

Do I want the article written? Of course. But let's face it, this is not the first, nor will it be the last story penned about G. Glen Ross.

The Week in Review: 5/11-5/16

What happened this week? Hell, I don't know. I've been too busy to pay attention. Not that anything notable happened. At least not in the best damn country on God's green earth.

Ross' Rules: Write Well

This may come as a surprise, but to be successful you must grasp the English language in written form. Obviously for some of you this presents a formidable challenge. Get over it.

Yes, texting may be more convenient and yes, constructing a well thought out, grammatically correct sentence can be challenging, however, there is no better way to identify one's self as an incompetent technical school dropout than through poor writing skills.

Your words are a reflection of who you are. They communicate your professionalism, attention to detail and intellectual capacity. More importantly, your words are the key to your success. For if you cannot write, you cannot succeed.

I, myself, happen to take great pride in my writing abilities. Correct, I take great pride in all that I do, but I find my writing to be elegant and refined, humorous and insightful, informative and intelligent. There are those who maintain that my language is often stuffy and verbose, bloated even. They argue that I too frequently utilize words that are antiquated and obese. They suggest I trim the fat, so to speak.

To them I ask, how much are you worth?

Week in Review: 5/4-5/10

Much goings on in the world this week. However, as most of it happened outside of the United States, there really is no need to talk about it.

On to what really matters.

Obama wins again. Hillary does too.

Hillary still believes she has a chance. She also believes the Monica episode was just a one time deal.

Crude hits yet another high.

Once again crude oil sets another price record. For those of you not positioned in oil futures, this is a bad thing. It's also why you have to shop at Wal*Mart and cut coupons.

Scarlett Johanssen engaged to Ryan Reynolds.

I had the pleasure of meeting this fine young lady at a charity dinner a few years ago. Despite being an actor, I found her to be very likable and intelligent. Congratulations to the happy couple. May you enjoy it while it lasts.

Things that I can afford that the middle class cannot

A $500,000 custom designed home theater.

I think that sentence pretty much sums it up. To boast that I am able to screen Hollywood's latest offerings in my custom designed, state of the art, 30 seat home theater one week before they are released would be uncouth.

I always say that one must be sensitive to those less fortunate. After all, to make such comments in the presence of those who are forced to watch from the discomfort of their local cineplex would be rude.

Ross' Rules

Last week I received the following question which I have paraphrased below.

Mr. Ross,

How have you attained your enormous wealth?

Sincerely,

Mr. Charles B. W. III


I get this question all the time from eager young upstarts and IRS auditors. And while I've told the story thousands of times, the creation tale of G. Glen Ross, as I like to call it, is one I never tire of telling.

Like most children, my youth was one of hard work and intense education. Strict disciplinarians, my mother and father sent me away to an exclusive preparatory school at age four. Alone for the first time in my life, I threw myself into my studies and by age seven had mastered Latin. My gift for languages set me apart from the other students and the faculty took keen interest in my education. Over the course of the next few years I would add Italian, French, Spanish, Portuguese, German, Russian and Old English to my repertoire. And while I enjoyed language, it was a simple book report that would change my life forever. For it was in fifth grade when I read the Wealth of Nations for the first time.

A love affair blossomed and I was consumed by economic theory and all her mysterious secrets. While the other boys we're playing lacrosse, I was studying the invisible hand and game theory. I looked at the world in terms of supply and demand and market forces. I started my first business at age eight and by eight and a half performed my first hostile takeover, forcibly usurping a candy distribution operation run by a small wiry boy by the name of Preston. Little did I know that the success of this action would form the backbone of my corporate ethos.

My college years took me to Yale and Harvard, where I studied my craft under some of the most influential minds of the 20th century. After serving as a Lieutenant in Korea, I joined a major accounting firm where I quickly ascended, becoming one of the youngest partner in the firm's history. Building on my successes, I then assumed a directorship at Phillip Morris, which I held through the company's heyday.

And while I made my mark in those positions, it wasn't until the 1970s and 80s that I found true success. Serving in various executive management positions within the defense, oil and banking industries, I was able to parlay my intelligence, personality, determination and impeccable timing into a fortune.

For some, that would have been enough. But, like a mother's love or a father's acceptance, enough didn't equal happiness. So I kept moving forward and upward and my portfolio and number of ex-wives grew larger and larger. I made millions upon millions in telcom, energy and a then little known phenomenon called the World Wide Web.

So, why am I still doing it? Because I don't have to. In fact I never had to. Work, as my friend above said, is for the middle class. They do it because they have to, not because they want to. I, on the other hand, come from wealth and privilege. I've never had to work a day in my life. But I do because I love to.

Why?

Because work is competition in its purest form and for those who thrive in its arena come the spoils of war. It is only then that man is able to know success. And that, my friends, is the key.

The Week in Review: 4/27-5/2

McCain and Clinton support gas-tax holiday

Mark this day as the only time in my life I have supported a democrat. Obama actually said something that made sense: a gas-tax holiday would do more harm than good. Now, as my offshore bank accounts attest, I'm normally all for lower taxes. But this gas-tax holiday borders on dangerous. Do you people not know that our gas taxes help maintain our highways? Do you have any idea what the ground clearance of a McClaren F1 is? Of course you don't.

The D.C Madam hangs herself

Death is never funny, and as immoral as suicide is, I feel much sorrow for this woman and her family. That she was providing a valuable service to some of our nation's most important and powerful figures was obviously forgotten and overlooked. Her prosecution was nothing more than a witch hunt propagated by those who know nothing of stress and the relief such services provide.

Recession?

Proof that journalists have no business reporting on the financial world came when the DOW topped 13,000 and the unemployment rate dropped. Perhaps they can now stop reporting on an event that is as likely as democracy in the Mid-East. Quote me on this: there will be no recession. Go back to reporting on things that matter, like celebrity and Africa.